Congratulations
on getting your new human! You now have a faithful servant who will house, feed,
and groom you, as well as provide for your medical care, and above all be a
loving companion.
Having a human is a big
responsibility, though, and it’s important to remember that, perhaps because of
their enormous size, humans are slow and ungainly. Be patient with them, and understand that the smallest of us can
outrun, out-distance, and out-maneuver any of them.
Also, while these servile
bipeds appear versatile and well-adapted to their environment, it would be a mistake to consider them self
aware, or intelligent, as we understand the terms. Most of their actions are
purely instinctive. Having evolved alongside canines for an estimated hundred
thousand years, they are dependent upon us for their very survival, and there
is little doubt that in the wild, domesticated humans would swiftly perish. Even
in an urban setting, they typically fail to recognize the nutritional value of
garbage, discarded fast food containers, or fresh road kill. Protecting them,
and keeping them healthy and safe is your responsibility, so proper training is
essential. Below are a few simple tips to get the most out of your human:
1)
Communication:
Some argue that the elaborate sounds and gestures made by humans are crude
efforts at communication, much like our more refined repertoire of barks, whines,
whimpers, growls and moans. The more logical explanation for human sounds and
movements is, however, that they are involuntary and signify nothing. Ignore
them, unless they seem to be directed at you specifically, and accompanied by a
treat.
2)
Socialization:
Humans enjoy the company of other humans, so make an effort to socialize
them as often as possible. In many neighborhoods, there are parks that allow
both dogs and humans, and when you visit one of these, the human will generally
remove the tether that they use to maintain proximity to you. At that point,
run as far and as fast as you can, because humans typically enjoy a long game
of hide and seek.
3)
Repetition: Humans delight in showing off their
tricks, and training them properly requires repetition. I cannot emphasize that
enough. Repetition, repetition, repetition. For example, among their favorite
tricks is to demonstrate how they can repeat the sound “sit.” The actual
meaning of this sound is unknown, but the humans revel in repeating it over and
over, with greater urgency each time, much as we might bark repeatedly to alert
them to potential danger and remind them that we have alerted them because they
are, after all, just dumb beasts. If you’re like most of us, after a dozen or
so utterances, you’ll just rest on your haunches in boredom. That usually
silences the human, who is often commended by his companions for his inventive
vocalizations.
4)
Walking: Humans love to walk, but often need to
be reminded to do it, and the best time to remind them is when they’re mating,
or are fast asleep. Whimper at the foot of their bed. If this fails to rouse
them, paw the bedclothes, or lick their face to get the message across. Because
their sense of direction is so under-developed, they will typically attach a
tether to your collar, and grip the other end tightly. It is your
responsibility to lead them and get them home safely. Once outside, enjoy the
myriad smells of the outdoors, and zig-zag across the sidewalk so your human
can get as much exercise as possible. Spend as much time as you like sniffing
the bases of lampposts, road signs, and any sort of discarded item you might
come across. If your human tugs at your collar, ignore it. For all their dull
wittedness, once set upon a task—even one as simple as walking around the block
at four in the morning—they can be annoyingly persistent. If you see a
squirrel, chase it. The rapid pace will provide a much needed cardio-vascular
workout for your human, but they are clumsy, so avoid leaping over fences or
other obstacles, if possible.
5)
Discipline: Occasionally, humans forget to open
the door, or are unable to understand the simple whine or baleful look which so
obviously conveys that you need to go outside. Discipline is called for. Peeing
on the corner of a sofa, or on a table leg, is sometimes effective, but in some
instances it is necessary to defecate in a prominent place within the home. Although
the exact means of communication in this case is unknown, it is believed that
this reaction on the part of humans is a primitive olfactory response, much as
we might know that a neighbor dog has visited our area by smelling the base of
the fence for five minutes or so. In any case, the typical response will be to
make a loud noise, then open the door. For unknown reasons, the humans then
clean up the mess.
6)
Playing: Humans seem to never tire of throwing a
ball, stick, or Frisbee, and bringing it back to them is a good way to keep
them entertained. Your slobber is an important element of this activity, and humans
are so fond of the stuff that on occasion they will wipe the saliva-soaked item
on their clothing, making sounds of contentment as they do so.
These few simple
tips, along with an attitude of tolerance and understanding of the innate
limitations of humans, will help you enjoy their companionship for many years—a
lifetime, perhaps—with virtually no maintenance.
No comments:
Post a Comment