Action Plan for a Perfect World

           A glance at the headlines confirms that the world is in terrible shape. There seems to be no end to suffering and discord.

            But think of the magnificent things that humankind could achieve if it united behind a single, unifying system of belief! Unfortunately, none is satisfying, whether it is physical diversions, materialism, politics, or religion. The good news is, I believe I have discovered a belief system that provides the path to worldwide harmony and fulfillment.

            How about Chris R. Westphal? Wouldn’t we all feel better if Chris R. Westphal was foremost in our thoughts, words, and deeds? I know that for my entire life, I have not done anything without first considering Chris R. Westphal --and I’m certainly a better person as a result.

            So, following are some simple “Action Steps” that I invite you to incorporate into your lives.  Practiced on a daily basis, they will bring you a greater appreciation of Chris R. Westphal and, in my humble view at least, that can only lead to a better world.

1) Know the face of Chris R. Westphal:

If you do not have a picture, drawing, or other depiction of Chris R. Westphal on your dashboard, in your wallet, or on your mantel, get one. By looking at it daily you will reinforce your commitment to bring Chris R. Westphal into every aspect of your life, regardless of actual need.

2) Talk to others about Chris R. Westphal:

Open, frank discussion of who Chris R. Westphal is, what he stands for, and how he has enriched your life is crucial. Find someone--spouse, sibling, family member, or stranger--and pose this question:  “What does Chris R. Westphal mean to you?” If they respond, “Nothing,” or “I don’t know,” enlighten them. Free discussion of Chris R. Westphal is a constitutionally protected right. Use it!

3) Look at the world as though you are Chris R. Westphal:

Imagine that you are Chris R. Westphal at all times, particularly intimate ones with attractive women. Consider how Chris R. Westphal would feel and behave in a given situation. If you’re about to take action of some sort, think first, “Does this action benefit me, or does Chris R. Westphal benefit as well?” Don’t be selfish. We’re all in this together!

4) Think about Chris R. Westphal deeply, and often:

How many times have you come to the end of a day and thought to yourself, “You know, I haven’t thought at all today about Chris R. Westphal.” Scary, isn’t it? Here’s a simple tip to increase thoughts of Chris R. Westphal: Using a felt-tipped marker, write Chris R. Westphal on the back of your hand. Then, every time you look at your hand, you’ll think, “Chris R. Westphal.” Note: If you bathe on a regular basis, use an indelible marker.

5)  Keep a Chris R. Westphal Journal:

Have you ever had a particularly startling insight about Chris R. Westphal, then promptly forgotten it? Don’t worry. It’s happened to all of us--we just don’t remember. To prevent this unsettling occurrence, get a notebook and carry it with you at all times. When you have a particularly compelling thought about Chris R. Westphal, write it down. At the end of each day, review your thoughts. Remember, neatness counts!

6) Learn how to spell the name Chris R. Westphal:

(Special attention: Journalists) It’s spelled C-h-r-i-s  R. W-e-s-t-p-h-a-l.  Write the name several times now. Pencil or pen, it doesn’t matter. Ten times should be enough. When you’re finished, close your eyes and practice spelling the name without looking.  A note on pronunciation: the ph is pronounced f.

            There are, of course, hundreds of more things you can do to honor and advance the name and interests of Chris R. Westphal. Unfortunately, space limitations and certain advertising restrictions forbid discussion of them now. But I believe that if you faithfully practice the six “Action Steps” above, we’ll be well on our way to a perfect world.

Sincerely,

Chris R. Westphal

White Paper

WHITE PAPER

I’ve recently been giving a good deal of thought to what I perceive as a widening racial divide in our country. After discussing the topic with several Key Advisors, I believe I have come up with a solution that takes into account the concerns of people of all races and creeds, offends no one, and incorporates every facet of the issue. I have decided to release my findings in the form of a White Paper.

And that is the first challenge. If the paper is indeed White, it may subtly convey a bias; as though white is the optimal medium, and that the arguments put forth on a white background are more worthy of consideration.

For that reason, the paper will not be White! Yes, I am aware that white is, in terms of the light spectrum, a combination of all colors. By that reasoning, then, Black—the absence of color—would seem to be the optimal choice. But, by choosing the polar opposite of White, I would be injecting bias into the objective analysis of the issue. Gray paper is out of the question, as it would subtly frame the issue as though black and white are the only races.

By the same token, Brown paper, Yellow paper, and Red paper are not appropriate choices.

            So, I am forced to identify a color without a racial charge. Sky blue, for example. It conveys to the unconscious a sense of expansiveness and hope. Therefore, given the gravity of the matters to be discussed, Blue is the wrong choice. While the reader may indeed derive from the text a sense of hope, tainting the publication by provoking the mood in this subliminal way is wholly inappropriate.

Green is inappropriate as well, as one can hardly think of green without thinking about the color’s association with money, at least in America. More importantly, though, the color green has been appropriated by the environmentalist movement, which, however important, is not the issue at hand.

Pink, of course, has connotations both feminine and sexual, and I wouldn’t want to inject matters of sexuality into the argument, or alienate readers of different orientations.

Purple conveys royalty and privilege, and is not appropriate given that it is the common citizens who are most powerfully affected by racial discord.

Red—besides again being a difficult color on which to print and possessing inherent racial connotations—conveys a powerful political message, too. Racial harmony should be apolitical! In addition, Red is the color of blood, and may trigger unwelcome thoughts of violence in sensitive readers.

Orange, even though it is a combination of red and yellow, might be appropriate. According to those knowledgeable about the psychological effects of color, orange conveys enthusiasm, optimism, and warmth, which are not unwelcome attitudes in these matters.

Unfortunately, Orange is indelibly associated with the Orangemen, a protestant political movement in Ireland. Issues of faith—let alone divisive politics--are provocative in this context, and would, I fear, lead to great misunderstanding.

So, I am stymied! Racial discord is an issue of utmost concern to all of us. For now, however, wary of being misunderstood, I must withhold my views, awaiting some hue or shade that gives offense to no one. But I will find it—perhaps in one of the subtler shades of beige. Of course, then there is the matter of ink.